If only our first lover could be this marvelous man, one who knew how to make love, one who also knew how to get us passed our inhibition. A man who saw the pleasure of giving to us, ignoring what we could give to him. One who could teach us about our own bodies, about the extraordinary ability of our bodies to feel pleasure. Not just in orgasm but in all the little and big pleasure we can and should feel doing sex, from the tender kiss that excites us, to the mind blowing orgasms some of us feel during oral sex.
The thing is, I regret not knowing any of those feelings during that time in my life. I’m not saying we would have made it, I’m sure that if we had, I would now be longing for something he can’t give me. But I do regret not having the kind of sex that no matter how mad I was at him, I would still have been over come with lust for him. Love is a strange thing isn’t it, not having sex pushed us apart but the reason I didn’t want sex with him was I loved him and I was hurting.
Complicating things further, we humans are a strange sort, even when we don’t know what great sex is, not having any sex kindles a fire inside of us. When we won’t have that fire put out by the one we love, we look else where. Some of us do control that, some of us as I’ve said live a life of control, others don’t, I didn’t. I regret that in the end that caused the destruction of my marriage, but I well never regret my affair with Shawn. He taught me the pleasures of my body, the intensity of an orgasm. He was the first person to ever take me to that place I call Orgasmic Ecstasy. In a way he helped my marriage, I was again having sex with my husband, guilt I suppose, but it was still sex. Given that we were having sex again, and given that I was starting to understand what I needed, along with how great sex could be, maybe at some point that kind of sex would have happened with my husband. It didn’t, I got caught, thus breaking his heart, along with my own. I do have regrets but perhaps I only regret getting caught, not the cheating.
Before I continue I want to state two shocking facts I learned. Thirty eight percent of American women have never had an orgasm. One out of three women, those who have orgasms, have difficulty reaching orgasm during partnered sex. I’m not sure the last is so shocking, but it does say something about their partners. My best friend hardly ever has an orgasm with her husband, he’s a very selfish man. Given that fact it’s a wonder it took her so many years of marriage before she took a lover. It’s debatable, although I’m partly to blame, that her solution was her best course of action, she loves her husband, why didn’t she just demand better sex? I’ll tell you why, she’s tried, he just doesn’t care, or he doesn’t listen, some men just never get it, but in the defense of men, some women never do either.
I do not understand how thirty eight percent of us have not had an orgasm, baring some physical problem that is just stupid. We have fingers, there is absolutely no reason not to have an orgasm, although I’m not as surprised as I would have been before I came to chat. I can’t believe how many women have said they don’t masturbate. I truly believe that one of the keys to great sex is knowing our bodies, you can’t get there if you don’t masturbate. I also believe that having an orgasm is something we have to learn, it just doesn’t happen for most of us on it’s own. Maybe that is the price our maker extracted from us in order to feel so much more then a man can feel.
If you aren’t having orgasms it’s time you do, take some time for yourself, get naked, lay on your bed, relax and have some fun. You may not get there the first time but keep trying, I assure you it is well worth the effort. If your partner isn’t giving you orgasms, it is time to communicate. I think the best communication you can have with him is to show him how you masturbate. He’ll love it. Of course if you don’t masturbate, if you have no idea what you do or don’t like during masturbation, how in the hell are you going to teach him.
Enough lecturing back to my point. It’s so much different for me now, I just love having sex, not just the orgasms, the whole experience but it is the orgasms that make it that way. Take away the orgasms and I agree with Ann Landers, give me the kissing, the snuggling, maybe a little petting, the rest I don’t really need, let him use his hand. Add those orgasms back in and it’s hard to stop me. I can be in the biggest fight ever with my partner and still want sex. My last lover, Diane, confused, think about how it was for our friends. Sarah my intended life partner is for the most part this way. She did shut me out for a short time while we were fighting about her parents, but in the end our sex drives got us beyond the fighting, bringing us to a point, one night after an amazing session of love making, where we started to work out a solution to that problem.
Enough lecturing back to my point. It’s so much different for me now, I just love having sex, not just the orgasms, the whole experience but it is the orgasms that make it that way. Take away the orgasms and I agree with Ann Landers, give me the kissing, the snuggling, maybe a little petting, the rest I don’t really need, let him use his hand. Add those orgasms back in and it’s hard to stop me. I can be in the biggest fight ever with my partner and still want sex. My last lover, Diane, confused, think about how it was for our friends. Sarah my intended life partner is for the most part this way. She did shut me out for a short time while we were fighting about her parents, but in the end our sex drives got us beyond the fighting, bringing us to a point, one night after an amazing session of love making, where we started to work out a solution to that problem.
What is it about us that makes us this way, being lesbian. Not a good answer, I was this way before I admitted who I am. What we do share in common is what I call orgasmic ecstasy. What is that, nothing more then we have these very intense orgasms. Call them what you well, full body orgasms, mind blowing orgasms, all I know is that I just love having them. Why are our orgasms so intense? Because we all have multiple orgasms. I truly believe that to reach the point I call orgasmic ecstasy you have to have multiple orgasms.
Why am I writing this, because some, maybe lots, of you say you don’t have multiple orgasms, you can’t your to sensitive. I disagree, everything I read says any women can have multiple orgasms. While I was looking for that description of orgasms, I happened upon a page at a site that tried to teach women how to have multiple orgasms. Here is what the writer said about how she learned to have multiple orgasms. I quote from her article titled "Multiple Orgasms" by Betty Dodsom, Ph.D. By the way she teaches a course on masturbation, that might be a fun job. How would that work, a two hour class for the women, an hour break to practice, and then an hour course for men, not that men need it but it could be fun watching.
"My adult masturbation was quite modest in the beginning. It took about ten minutes for me to come and then I stopped. At first I did the classical hand job, using massage oil for a sensuous feeling and teasing my clitoris with one or two fingers. Then one night I watched myself masturbating with the magnifying side of a makeup mirror. It was a fabulous sight, like watching an erotic movie on a miniature screen. It added style to the way I handled myself, watching my vaginal lips turn a deeper red and my clitoris getting bigger. Doing an internal vaginal massage with three fingers increased lubrication and my sexual juices glistened in the bright light. I ended up moving my hand so rapidly it was a blur just before I came. This visual information was very new and exciting.
At first, I never had more than one orgasm when I masturbated. My clitoris was always too sensitive to touch immediately after I'd come, so that signaled the end of sex. Then one night after watching myself have an orgasm in the mirror again, I was still turned on, but too sensitive to continue. Suddenly I flashed on the idea of panting like they taught women in childbirth classes to help them cope with pain. I began doing the same breathing to cope with more pleasure and quickly discovered I could keep going with a lighter touch. Within seconds, my clitoral hypersensitivity disappeared and I was into another sexual buildup. Instead of holding my breath and pulling back after my first orgasm, I increased my breathing to match the strong sensation and moved through what I'd once labeled "pain" into a new experience with pleasure. Multiple orgasms! Basically it was as simple as learning to keep going and not to stop."
I decided to test this theory of hers, so the next time Sarah and I made love, I paid more attention to every thing going on. During oral sex I too felt that same feeling, one I no longer even think of as painfully sensitive, and admittedly there does come a point when I feel the need to stop but it is no longer that feeling, more so exhaustion. Even now I tend to at times push my lover away long before I really want to stop. A good lover should know the difference between those times and when one really needs to stop, communications is important but knowing our lover’s body as well as you know our own is more important. That is a circle in a way, you need to know your lovers body, to know it you need to communicate. I guess if your not a lesbian then that applies to your man knowing your body as well as his own, but shouldn’t you know the same about his?
I’m not sure about the panting like having a baby, never had the privilege, but I do at that point start panting. Later on after a couple more orgasms it’s constant, I just don’t stop panting. I really think that is the trick of getting past that point of being to sensitive, Sarah does the same. Maybe some other women have some another method, if so I say whatever works for you do it. |
